Weight Loss Journey: Take 1,265,045 ACTION! 🎬

Here I go....again. I'm taking control, or attempting to. I am not 100% comfortable with the topic of my weight. It's a touchy subject and writing this makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't like that at all. But I am more determined than ever. Maybe I need this vulnerability. But first I need to preface this blog with this statement: My weight does not define me the person, it does not make me a better or worse person. It makes me no less beautiful. It doesn't make me love myself more or less. It doesn't make my boyfriend love me more or less. I am confident at any size, I have been all of them. I completely believe that if you are beautiful inside it radiates outside. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I think it would make me even more confident. I want to for so many reasons, but #1 is my health. I will never be a size 2, hell I'll prob never be a 10, and that's ok. I simply want to be healthier. 

 I'm going with good ol faithful Weight Watchers....Again......for the hundredth time. I know I have personally paid at least one of Jennifer Hudson's paychecks. And I could also lead meetings because I know all the tricks, advice, mantras, key phrases, emotional triggers, etc. For example: Moderation. Drink water. Food tracking. Drink water. When dining out box up half your meal before eating.  Drink water. Eat veggies. Drink water. Eat fruits. Drink water. Exercise. Drink water before meal. Eat. If still hungry drink more water, wait 20 mins. Water. Water. Water. My emotional food triggers: all of them. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry, lonely, bored, anxious, excited, sleepy, STRESSED...the list goes on and on. I have to be pretty dang depressed not to eat, and that only lasts a few days. In saying all of that, WW really does work. All of it works. Which bodes the question: Why do I quit? 

I just don't know the answer to that question. I'm trying to figure that out. One thing I do know is that I'm going to keep trying, I'm not gonna give up. I'm going to try to write about it this time. Maybe if I share all my struggles, victories, milestones, and set backs, it will help. If you feel inclined to read them, great, if not that's great too. 

Yesterday and today have been pretty easy, Day 1 and 2 when my enthusiasm is still up, I'm still stoked. I'm ready to drink 18 gallons of water and go work out and quit all my vices, and then by Day 6 I'm crashing. And then it's the weekend.....the absolute hardest days for me. I'll tackle that as it comes though, it's only Tuesday. Right now I'm working on cutting back to 1 Diet Mt Dew a day and 1 glass of sweet tea, Lord help me. 

As for today, I am pleased with the decisions that I made thus far. Could I have changed a few yesterday? Sure could have, but I'll take that and apply it to today. I'm gonna take it one day at a time. Ready, set, go. 

My Hero My Nana

Not everyone is as blessed as me and my family. Not everyone has had the privilege to know my grandmother, Sondra Janine Barnard. If you are one of the lucky ones you know how special she was, if not, I will tell you.
My Nana was the epitome of a selfless, generous, loving mother and Nana to all she met. I do not have a friend who calls her Sondra. She is and has always been Nana. I have never encountered anyone who took care of people and genuinely cared for others as she did. I completely credit her for the compassion and empathy I have for others, it does not compare to hers, but it is definitely where I learned it.
To clear the air, my Nana is living the last days of her life as I type. Even in her last days, where she is her weakest, miserable, and in pain there are still moments of her old self that come through. She is amazing even in the midst of all of this. She is my hero. She is who I want to be when I grow up. The legacy that she leaves behind is one that I hope I can leave behind for my children, grandchildren, great- grandchildren, family, and friends. Is she perfect? No, but to me she's been close.
I thank God that He let her be my Nana. I am thankful that she was such an amazing mom to my mom, uncle, aunt, and countless others. Without her we would not be the people that we are today. I am so thankful that we got to experience complete and total unconditional love, no matter what.
Now you know a little about my Nana, who I have a very hard time sharing, even with my boys. I will cherish the time I have had with her, especially these last few days, weeks, or however long she hangs on. My life is better for knowing her, like I said in the beginning, "Not everyone is as blessed as me and my family".

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15 NKJV)

Bullies

Unfortunately my son has been the object of bullying and I am fed up! In our case, a kid on the bus took his pic, without his knowledge & published it on Facebook with a demeaning comment. Since she has since removed the pic and there is no way to know when the pic was actually published, the school can do nothing except talk to her & her parents and depend on parental support. So this kid gets a lecture and my child was humiliated in a social forum, how is that ok? At this point I'm not sure how to proceed or what to do, but I know that something has to give. As parents, I believe, that we should be responsible for the actions of our kids. They are minors who make stupid choices and do not think things through. Consequences are not in the fore front of their minds, it's our job to make them see. I believe that it's my job to make sure that I know what my kids are doing, where they are going, who they are with, and also what they post online, especially if it could be hurtful to them or others. There is too much blame shifting in the world we live in and and not enough standing firm for what we believe or who we are and taking some responsibility for our actions! That includes the actions of our children! Until my kids are adults I am directly responsible for them, what happens to them, and guiding them in the choices they make. I'm not saying that I want to dictate everything they do or try to control what they think, there is a balance, but there must be lines and boundaries that are there for their well being. We are raising the next generation of individuals, and that is an important task that I am taking seriously!

SOS

Raising kids is hard work. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing right or wrong. It is hard to be the comforter, enforcer, listener, mom, and dad all in one. I am grateful for the help that I have, don't get me wrong, but it is I who will ultimately be accountable, and I just hope that I am towing the line. I try to do what i think is right, not be to strict, but not be a pushover. Sometimes I feel bad and want to give in and give them all they want because they got a raw deal, but I know that does not do anyone any good. I know that I have a lot to learn, and I am more than willing. Some days are harder than others and lately I have been overwhelmed. I know I'll make it, somehow. When they are babies and small kids, you really don't think that the day will come when they will become young men and women, and then before you know it they are closer than ever to becoming men and women. I never really thought much about who they were gonna be and that I was responsible for shaping that person. Maybe because I was so young, and over all I think that I could have done worse, and now more than ever I have to hold on to the reigns and lead them into this next stage of life. Unfortunatley I am in unchartered territory, and all the responsibilty falls on me. I have really made some crummy choices and I hope and pray that they learned some lessons with me. All I can do is apologize and pick myself back up and show them what happens when the choices you make do not align with what God wants and what you know is right. It is a learning process for us all and we all grew up together. But I thank God for them everyday and I do not regret the way it all went down, not one bit. Now I completely understand why people say wait, wait on kids, marriage, everything. If I could only drill it in the heads of young people today that until your a little older you just don't get it, none of it, and some of it maybe you never get. Being a grownup sucks sometimes, and I have learned recently that being the bad guy sucks all the time! xoxoxo

me. myself, and i

Let me start by saying that I'm not perfect and will never claim to be. I sin, I fall short, significantly so, from grace everyday and I am thankful that I serve a God who gives more than second chances. At the same time, I serve a God who requires me to be accoutable for MY actions, and who I will answer to one day, which is scary to think about sometimes. Even though God forgives, has compassion, is merciful, and loves me unconditionally, I have a responsibilty to follow and obey His Word. I believe that I don't "have" to sin everyday, even though I do, I think that that goal is attainable. Have I reached that goal, not yet, maybe someday. Lately I have been searching, thinking, reading, wondering what I am supposed to do. I have asked before what my purpose is, and so far all I have gotten is to wait. So while I wait, I am gonna worship because that's why I was initially created. I think that I am learning where my calling is, besides music & worship. I have a passion for people, and specifically people that are misunderstood & who don't "do" church, for people who are addicted & marked as the worst kind of sinners, and many more. See I do not come from church, that's not my background. I did not grow up in church, I grew up around church.I come from the world and let me tell ya, at times, it is hard to leave it behind, but like I always tell my kids, "if it's not hard, it's not worth it!" My heart just hurts for people who do not know God & at the same time my heart hurts for people who know Him, but are so fanatical, judgemental, and hypocritical that they don't really "know" Him. Take the people from Westboro church in Oklahoma, I just wanna say thanks to them for confirming to the world what they think Christianity is all about.It is sad that other "Christians" are setting us back so far, that these kind of shannigans they pull reflect on Christianity as a whole. It makes us look as though we are serving a God who is the complete opposite as what we say He is. America is already lost enough, do Christians really need to add extra layers on top of the junk people believe today? No wonder people think Christians are a joke. I can't stand the signs that they carry that read thing like "God Hates Fags" well first of all, God does not hate! That word is the polar opposite of what He is! God loves, love wins ( and not the Rob Bell book, that's a whole new subject). What we need is Christians that love people, all people, and Chrisitians that tell people the truth, what the Word says, not what we want it to say. People need to know that God is an awesome, loving, compassionate, merciful, forgiving, healing, all powerful God, but that there is one way to Him and one way to Heaven & that is through His son Jesus Tthat's what the Bible says, maybe I'll send a copy to Rob Bell). This is not really what I thought was gonna come out of me today, but it is. Like I said before, I am not perfect, I am a sinner saved by grace. I have probably sinned today, actually I'm sure of it, and I have not always lived the way I should. I have fallen way to many times to count, I have been a hypocrite, I have let my mouth run free when I shouldn't ( a lot actually), but He still stays right there, by my side, waiting for me to chose to act right & follow Him again. I am just thankful for that and for His faithfulness. When life is throwing curve balls & changing at the drop of a hat, He stays exactly the same.

....Rob Bell is a pastor & author that teaches that everyone goes to heaven, & once I finish the book & am more educated I'm sure I'll have plenty to post on the subject.


Also, for any typos, misspelled word, incorrect puncuation, it's a blog....get over it : )

Blogging

This is my new blog, well my only blog. Recently I have felt an urge to write again, and what better place to do so? I just really miss writing and am excited about this because I can express myself and my feelings about things that I am passionate about. Not everything that I write about here will be completely about me personally, sometimes I just see something on tv that sparks my interest. So, the point is, don't over analyze this too much : ) To whom ever follows, I hope you enjoy, comment, pray, sing, laugh, cry... And enjoy! Xoxo, Nikki